Looking for new year’s resolutions for 2019? We have a few ideas.
1. I will throw away all “used” Gatorade bottles in the surveillance vehicle.
2. I will continue adding to my list of things to advise my clients not to do. And still, that list will never be complete.
3. I will not punch clients who disregard my advice list.
4. I will not punch clients who owe me money.
5. I will stop apologizing to dinner companions for my need to sit facing the exits.
6. I will not engage in any Twitter or Facebook brawls about the ethics of GPS trackers.
7. I will manage my expectations about the human capacity for idiocy, venality, and sheer meanness—by adjusting downward.
8. I will devise several new-and-improved quips for people at parties who ask, “Are you recording me right now?”
9. I will devise several new-and-improved quips for people at parties who ask, “Have you ever shot anybody?”
10. I will devise several new-and-improved quips for prospective clients who ask me to break the law.
11. I will be savvier about the business side.
12. I will stop apologizing to people who look disappointed when they learn that my surveillance vehicle is not a Ferrari.
13. I will manage my expectations about the new Magnum, P.I. series—by adjusting downward.
14. I will stop quoting from The Two Jakes to listeners who lack the sense to appreciate genius.
15. I will devise several new-and-improved pretexts.
16. I will not engage in any Twitter or Facebook brawls about the ethics of pretexting.
17. Because I do believe it is possible to love again, I will watch the new season of True Detective with a heart full of hope.
18. I will persist.
19. I will not try to be all things to all clients.
20. I will try to avoid getting burned on surveillance. But when I do get burned, I will quickly get over it.
21. I will not buy into Unnecessary Human Drama (even though it lies at the root of every case).
22. I will not respond to a domestic surveillance client’s “urgent” texts at 3a.m. (See #21.)
23. I will practice pronouncing the word “no.”
24. I will not punch any lawyers who ask me to reduce my fee. (See #23.)
25. When feasible, I will trust. When possible, I will verify.
26. I will scroll less and read more.
27. I will put into writing a code of ethics for my business and follow it whenever possible.
28. I will fight burnout by remembering why I fell in love with this work in the first place.
29. I will seek opportunities to learn something new.
30. I will not roll my eyes at people who think “shaken, not stirred” is a real thing.
31. I will ask my seasoned colleagues for advice. I will return the favor to newbies who ask for help.
32. I will try to view fellow investigators as esteemed colleagues instead of bitter competitors.
33. I will not punch any esteemed colleagues who persist in viewing us as bitter competitors.
*Free bonus resolution: I will share insights and hard-won lessons with esteemed colleagues and bitter competitors alike by submitting articles to Pursuit.