35 Ways to Tell for Sure That You’re an Incurable Private Eye
1. You know the difference between “good facts” and “bad facts.”
2. You can’t think of enough things to advise your clients not to do.
4. You’ve engaged in lengthy debates about what constitutes the ideal surveillance vehicle.
5. You can wait.
6. The window tinting on your minivan pushes the boundaries of legal and occasionally scares parents when you drive by a playground.
7. In an enclosure, building, or passenger aircraft, you know where the exits are.
8. You understand the concept of “reasonable expectation of privacy” with more detail and nuance than the average person.
9. You always have a pretext ready.
11. Your most prized possession is, in certain instances, an empty plastic bottle (or an FUD).
12. Sometimes, people just make you sad.
13. You know how to make your smartphone do more things than anything Q could invent.
14. Coffee no longer has any discernible effect.
15. You can pull a U-turn, blast through an extremely yellow light, and race down an alley without ever actually breaking a law.
16. You don’t need an invisibility cloak.
17. You want to shake Tom Selleck‘s hand. You want to punch Tom Selleck.
18. You know exactly which salve to apply when you “get burned.”
19. You have held more pretend conversations on your smartphone, while shooting video, than you have real phone conversations.
20. People no longer surprise you.
21. You can relieve yourself anywhere, including in a hot/freezing/moving/rental car, without leaving an unsightly stain.
22. In restaurants and bars, you always sit facing the exit.
23. You’ve lost count of the number of people who owe you money.
24. You’ve lost count of the number of people who have asked you to break the law, and who were incensed when you declined to do so.
26. You hate CSI.
27. You don’t entirely trust GPSes, social media … or humans.
28. Your time is never your own, apparently. It belongs to the client, who sends “urgent” texts at all hours.
29. You rarely sleep.
30. At parties, you have a range of witty comebacks ready for the question, “Are you recording me right now?”
31. At parties, you have a range of witty comebacks ready for the question, “Do you wear a fedora and a trench coat?
32. At parties, you have a single answer ready for the question, “Have you ever shot anybody?” (answer: awkward silence)
33. At parties, you have a single answer ready for the comment,”Wow! You must have some amazing stories.” (answer: “I do,” followed by awkward silence)
34. At parties, you have learned not to roll your eyes when people say, “Really?! Just like Magnum/Rockford/Jessica Jones?” as if they were the first person to think this up.
35. You really don’t have time to go to parties, anyway.